"The stones in the modern part [of the graveyard] were crude and cheap, and here and there a grave was rimmed with marble, like an oblong bathtub full of dirt" (167).
"I remember the tubs, too: the antique griffin-legged tubs, and the modern coffin-shaped tubs..." (20).
Esther's preoccupation, obsession, with death, followed by suicide, has come to its logical end as she buries herself in a little cobweb strewn hole in the cellar and digests, one after another, fifty of what I assume to be sleeping pills. The horrifying aspect of this moment for me has always been its matter-of-factness: the way this extremely bright young person decides to negate herself with such thoughtfulness, with such single-mindedness, with such clear-headed planning. "I am going for a long walk" (167). Followed by her laughter as she realizes she had "forgotten the most important thing" (168), that is, the pills themselves.
A few questions as Esther moves into the world of Walton—that is, Claymoore, that is, McLean Hospital, where Susanna Kaysen spent 18 months.
1. Your reaction to these three chapters, as Esther's illness erupts fully? What moment or scene especially struck you—and why?
2. Esther at this point knows her "mind has gone" (159). Does it strike any one of you as odd or strange that there is so little intervention from the outside world into Esther's illness? Perhaps it isn't strange at all. But something tells me that, autobiographical or not, Plath's greater commentary here, as we know, is the way the world sees Esther—or doesn't see her. Does the way Esther goes relatively untreated—aside from the shock treatment and meetings with Dr Gordon that we will talk about—fit into this commentary, this theme?
Enjoy your day off. We'll see you tomorrow.
1. Reading these three chapters was interesting because I could feel that she was slipping downhill quickly, but I knew that at the beginning of chapter 11 and it felt almost dragged out to the end of chapter 13. The moment that stood out to me is right before she goes into Dr. Gordon’s office: “I saw the days of the year stretching ahead like a series of bright, white boxes, and separating one box from another was sleep, like a black shade. Only for me, the long perspective of shades that set off one box from the next had suddenly snapped up, and I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue. It seemed silly to wash one day when I would only have to wash again the next. I made me tired just to think of it. I wanted to everything once and for all and be through with it” (152). Her want for everything to be through and done quickly clues me into that something is not right with Esther. She also just seems to be really angered and frustrated by little things that most people really aren’t bothered by, like showering or washing her clothes.
ReplyDelete2. I think it’s a little weird that no one seems to do anything about Esther’s illness, mostly once she’s home. In New York, she was pretty good at masking whatever was wrong, but at home, it seems to me that it is becoming more apparent. I think that it is mostly the time period and the fact that Esther is a woman that plays into this. Back then, mental illness was mentioned only in doctor’s offices and hospitals. I think that it was almost socially wrong during this time to feel “not normal” or “strange” or literally any way you can describe the way that Esther is feeling in this book.
1) I definitely thought her descent into insanity would happen more quickly than it did so I must admit that I am surprised that she is not locked in a mental hospital yet. What I find really interesting about Esther is that she is so clearly mentally imbalanced but her thought process seems fairly reasonable and smart. She is so detached from reality that she is able to lie to herself, as she does when she is with the sailor man and she convinces herself that the lady she had previously thought to be Mrs. Willard was actually a horrible lady from her orphan home from Chicago.
ReplyDelete2) I find it very odd. She definitely has the appearance of someone who is mentally unstable since she is wearing that same outfit that she hasn’t washed in three weeks, not to mention the fact that she hasn’t bathed in quite some time and that she must look extremely weak due to her lack of sleep. I think that she still hasn’t been treated because no one around her wants to accept that she is having these problems. The moment that Esther tells her mother that she is “through with Dr. Gordon”(145), her mother shows how upset she had been that Esther had been seeing him. She doesn’t seem to be happy because her daughter is feeling happy enough to not see the doctor, she is happy that her daughter is not “like those awful people. Those awful dead people at that hospital”(145-146). Her mother clearly does not understand the fact that Esther does not choose to be the way that she is, because she says: “I knew you’d decide to be alright again”(146), implying that she Esther has been so mentally imbalanced simply by choice
1. The reading before chapters 11-13 it is clear that something is not going right in Esther's mind, but these 3 chapters show the level of sickness that is inside Esther. When Esther felt accomplished and was on the right path she felt depressed. All she could think about were the looming choices ahead of her and death. Until the section we read this weekend Esther did not explicitly talk about the idea of committing suicide, but almost everything she thought about was related to death. Before she found out that she didn't get into the writing class Esther could become upset easily. Now that Esther feels that she is more inadequate than before a downward slope forms. The part in the reading that stood out to me the most was what Esther's mother told her when they left the hospital after electroshock therapy, "'I knew my baby wasn't like that'" (145). When Esther questions her further she continues, "'Like those awful people. Those dead people at that hospital.' She paused. 'I knew you'd decide to be alright again.'" (145-146). Esther's mother does not understand what Esther is going through at all. She refers to people with mental illnesses as "awful" (145) and is in denial. She won't let herself see what is right in front of her. Esther can't sleep, write, and she hasn't bathed in weeks. The denial of Esther's mother keeps Esther from getting the help that she needs.
ReplyDelete2. People aren't paying enough attention to Esther to see that she is ill. In our culture we ask people how they are, but we don't really care. The people in this book want their lives to be easier, not burdened by another person's problems, so they either ignore it or don't pay attention enough to notice. Through Esther's life she has always been excluded and ignored because she won't reach out to anyone. Her classmates just assumed she was weird and unfit to be a good friend anyway so they stopped caring. Esther's mother, who is supposed to be more aware, is either in denial or worried about what it would look like to have a daughter in one of those terrible places. Many people don't see Esther's condition as an illness. They think of it as craziness or just not their problem to begin with.
1. I am surprised at how fast and how hard Esther dropped into depression. She is surrounded by supportive members of her friends and family, yet she is completely fixated on killing herself. The moment that struck me the most was when she offhandedly comments on how she tried to hang herself that morning: "that morning I had tried to hang myself" (158). It caught me a little off guard, since a few lines before she was swimming at the beach with her friends. In fact, all of her suicide attempts are stated in a nonchalant way, and she discusses it with Cal so casually, that it creeps me out. It's hard for me to take her seriously while she sounds like she's doing everything on a whim, but it also makes it more terrifying, since she might be wanting to kill herself for no reason.
ReplyDelete2. Esther's friends and family are trying to help her, but I don't think they know how to help her. Her mother laughs at her when Esther asks about becoming a nun, but at the same time she's paying for the treatments. The people around her want her to get better, but they don't want to actually do something to make her better. Her mother also denies that there is anything wrong with her, which may say that she isn't taking Esther very seriously and doesn't see the magnitude of her disease. The problem is that there is no direct issue or conflict that Esther's mother can see, so the situation is greatly under looked. It's only when something big happens when attention is given, and to solve problems only when they may directly affect your rather than solving them preemptively is not good.
1. I really liked the way that the book transitioned over the course of these chapters (and the previous few). The progression from ok to not doing so well to something’s wrong to there’s a big problem to barely functioning and suicide attempts seemed seamless. It seems to make perfect sense what just happened at the end of chapter 13. While her condition has certainly gotten worse, she didn’t exactly turn a corner and just become suicidal. The ideas just slip normally into her train of thought without her being conscious of it. It’s a bit creepy how nonchalantly she thinks about different methods. First she reads about the man who was talked down off of a seven-story ledge, and she considers that seven stories would probably be a good bet. Then she thinks about disemboweling herself. Then she acknowledges a problem with that: “My trouble was I hated the sight of blood.” Again, she’s flitting between ideas and she has trouble landing on one. She can’t seem to follow any of them through. She just seems like a zombie half heartedly trying to kill herself.
ReplyDelete2. I suppose it’s odd that no one at all can really tell what’s going on. Dr. Gordon does give her shock treatment, but I get the sense that that’s just something he does. He doesn’t really seem to get it. During their sessions all he seems interested in is bringing up her college and reminiscing about his time among the “pretty bunch of girls” at the WAC station during the war. The way he asks her this again after the shock treatment as if their previous conversation never happened makes it clear that most people aren’t really paying attention to her or to anything for that matter. Her mother clearly doesn’t understand either. When Esther tells her she’s not going back to see Dr. Gordon again, her mother smiles and says, “I knew my baby wasn’t like that…I knew you’d decide to be alright again.” She thinks Esther can just choose to not feel bad anymore. People may care about her, but when everyone has a general lack of understanding and willingness to pay attention, and Esther continually strives to cover everything up (until she’s actually unable) it’s not surprising that no real help is being given.
1. A moment that really stuck out to me was when Cal and Esther were on the beach talking about a play. This was right after she said, "...anybody with half an eye could see I didn't have a brain in my head." Yet, she goes on to discuss a piece of literature and test the boy she's with "wanted to hear what Cal would say." Esther doesn't give herself enough credit. She's still with it. She's conscious. I also though it was interesting when she tried to drown herself. It was like the ocean was spitting her back out, but what I really think is that she just couldn't keep herself down under because she didn't actually want life to end.
ReplyDelete2. I agree with what others have said, how people don't actually understand what's wrong with Esther and how they are trying to ignore the blatant tragedy that she is. During this time, the easiest thing to do was to plop troubled people into a mental hospital and pray that they improve with the doctor's poking, prodding and shocking. Dr. Gordon disgusts me. He seems like the laziest fake psychiatrist possible. He goes through the motions with each patient in the same way. The fact that he tells Esther's mother that Esther hasn't improved after one week of doing absolutely nothing makes me so mad. For me, the saddest part of the book so far was when Esther says, "I wondered what terrible thing it was I had done." Like this is all her fault, the world is looking down on her, and she has to internalize all the hatred and confusion and try to figure it out herself. Solitude is what drives Esther to her breaking point. She has no one to turn to.
1. I felt Esther slipping away into a realm that others couldn't enter. No one she met could come close to how she really felt. Even Cal, who started out speaking of craziness in a play cannot relate to Esther. During their swim it is clear that Cal does not have the drive to finish that Esther has. Esther is trying to keep a normal appearance in front of her mothers and friends while in reality she is spiraling down hill. Constantly thinking of suicide her mind is in turmoil and the world around her seems off. The really turning point is seen through her happiness. These chapters don't present any happiness from Esther nothing makes her smile or laugh. She clearly no longer enjoys life and it is quite unpleasant to read about. The struggle she faces and the decision she chooses at the end of the chapter are horrible but have been building through out the last three chapters and are expected.
ReplyDelete2. I do I would think that her mother or friends would see it in her depression in her eyes or body language. Esther has problems but one of the most important ones to deal with is accepting help. If anyone asked how she was feeling she always responds with a fine or okay. In Doctor Gordon's office she gets nothing done because she must help herself. Doctor Gordon cannot do anything for her except suck money out of the family. My main concern would be about the mother. You would think the mother would care more. Check in with her child for the next few weeks to make sure she got over the electric shocks. I feel that if she had someone that was close to her and really cared for her she would stop and consider her actions through these chapters.
1. It’s interesting because while Esther’s condition has been deteriorating from chapter to chapter, the way Esther is telling us the story is still so calm and precise. It makes sense, since the narrative is Esther looking back, but I still think it is conflicting but also somewhat comforting. A moment that stood out to me was when Esther was thinking about religion. She said that she was considering going into the Catholic Church because they considered suicide a sin and maybe because of this, “they might have a good way to persuade [her] out of it.” While she did abandon the treatment Dr. Gordon suggested, she still seems to want to get better, she wants someone to convince her that life is great and not hopeless. She’s look for a way out of her depression, but there seems to be a disconnect between what she wants and what she’s willing to do. She’s too passive to really act on any of her inner longings.
ReplyDelete2. It doesn’t seem that odd to me, even though its clear that, as Esther says in the scene with Cal that “anybody with half an eye could see [she] didn’t have a brain in [her] head.” I think that nobody in Esther’s world wants to admit that there is something wrong with her, they all just want to ignore it. And if they do recognize her illness, they are quick to shrug it off and downplay the seriousness of the situation. When Esther decides that she will not be going back to the hospital, Esther’s mom said “I knew you’d decide to be all right again.” No seems to be listening to her or really paying attention to how bad her condition is, and I think, at the time, no one at the time was really listening to women anyway. The world is not taking notice to Esther’s sickness, and because of this, the world is enabling Esther to wallow in her illness and go to the extremes that she goes to.
1. The scene where Esther tries to drown herself really struck me. This is when I finally realized how serious she is about suicide and how unhappy she is in her life. The scene really got to me when she kept trying to drown but her body forced her to come back to the surface. Esther wants her body to quit, she wants to be weak, when in reality she is a very strong woman. I just wish that Esther would accept how amazing she is and how many opportunities she has. It seems that after she didn't get into the writing program, she completely gave up on herself. Later on in the scene she explained that she tried to hang herself, but each time she would get close to blacking out, her hands would let go. I think that she has tried so many times to kill herself with her own hands and body rather than starting right off with pills is because some part of her wants to live.
ReplyDelete2. I don't think that people understand the level to which Esther's "mind has gone." Everyone seems to know that something is wrong, but no one actually tries to talk to her about it other than her mom and doctor. I think that people are scared of Esther and are scared of her illness. It seems like people try to get space from her because they don't know how to help her. And I think that because of this, Esther becomes more depressed than ever. She is alone when she is surrounded by people.
1. In previous chapters Esther would seem normal if you were not looking to carefully. But now her depression and suicidal thoughts are right in front of your face. Her normal, bath loving self has not bathed in weeks, and now she wants to slit her wrists in the tub, completing the metaphor of the coffin-like image. A moment I found important in Esther's story is when she is searching for her father's tomb stone, but she cannot find it. there is one line one page 166, that simply says, "I couldn't find my father anywhere." It may have been obvious and I just did not see it as well, but I don't think she is just talking about her father's tombstone here. The reader never gets much background on Esther's father, who was never there for her in her life I read on Plath's wikipedia page that her father died when she was just eight years old of complications from an amputation due to diabetes. There is definitely a connection to Esther and Plath, so this small vignette about searching for the tombstone was probably difficult for Plath to write.
ReplyDelete2. There is no doubt that Esther's state of health is being ignored by her mother, but I wonder how much of the story is accurate, since it is from her perspective. Dr. Gordon, from her point of view, is an obviously horrible psychiatrist and a downright creepy guy, but how much of Esther's illness clouds the reality? It could really be that he just asks her questions and runs a few volts of electricity through her, without a goal, but I cannot help but think if Esther is rejecting the therapy because she wants to die so badly.
1. I really enjoyed these chapters, although they were very dark. The scene that stood out to me the most was when she cut her leg. It was incredibly graphic but Esther described it very poetically, which was interesting. Esther says, "I felt nothing" (148), which is incredibly telling into just how sick she is. At first she seemed very determined to end her life, but then she was easily dissuaded by the idea of her mother finding her. At this point I began to question whether Esther really wanted to kill herself or not.
ReplyDelete2. Esther seems to be very concerned with how people will perceive her, but nobody seems to notice that she is sick. She was very nervous about seeing Jody, but Jody seemed to pay no attention to Esther: "But all during the drive north, and then east, Jody had joked and laughed and chattered and not seemed to mind that I only said, 'My' or 'Gosh' or 'You don't say'"(155). Jody is a prime example of the very superficial world that Esther is dealing with. Nobody looks past Esther's pretty face to realize that she is deeply disturbed. Her mother realized once Esther made it completely obvious by never sleeping or getting out of bed. Like others have said, since Esther could be such a success, people like to pretend like nothing is wrong with her.
1. This particular reading was absolutely ridiculous. The lack of care for anything and anyone that we see from Esther is truly amazing. Even were the book completely fictional and not in any way auto-biographical, Esther's behavior would still be shocking. In reality I wasn't shocked so much by her actions involving her suicide attempts, but more the attitude that surrounded her wish to commit suicide as a whole. She seemed so clinical and nonchalant about the fact that she was trying to end her own life. The scene that stuck out to me the most is actually the end of chapter thirteen in which Esther decides that, not only is she going to commit suicide, she will also hide her body. Not only does Esther show shocking hate for life as a whole, but also an obscene amount of disrespect towards her family and friends. While it may come off as blunt and dispassionate, the fact that she would try to commit suicide in secret and hide her body leaving her mother with the task of finding her dead, possibly decomposing, body in her basement is unbelievable. Overall I lost a huge amount of sympathy for Esther in these recent chapters as a result of her selfish actions.
ReplyDelete2. I don't find it strange at all. Her mother simply doesn't want to believe that her daughter is mentally ill and therefor doesn't see that Esther is in serious danger. No one can help Esther if no one knows that her mental health is plummeting. I would say this does show how the world sees Esther. Or rather how the world doesn't see Esther. Esther is so thoroughly unattached from the world around her that no one can even tell that something is wrong. The only one who knows that Esther has lost her mind is herself, and for as long as this remains true she won't receive any help.
1. As a few other people mentioned, I thought the obviousness of a mentally ill girl would come a lot sooner in the book. I think it's interesting how slowly we move towards a clear breakdown. The scene where Esther contemplates killing herself until she realizes that it means that her mother would be the one to find her. I think this scene really showcases how confusing this is for Esther. She doesn't know what she wants to do with herself and her life. This scene is interesting because it would seem normal that a person would be overcome with emotion if they want to kill themselves, but Esther doesn't really feel anything.
ReplyDelete2. At first I think it was hard for anyone to intervene or understand what was going on because it was so internalized that there was no way for anyone to realize where her mind was headed. Even though it's out in the open, there's still a lack of understanding. For example, when her mother says that she knew she'd decide to be alright. The outside world can't grasp that Esther didn't choose this.
1. In this reading, I definitely got a better understanding of Esther's illness. Plath's descriptions of Esther's emotions and feelings and reactions to everything going on around her really depict Esther's mental state and illness. But this reading showed the harsh reality of Esther and the hidden truth of her illness and depression. The moment that stuck out the most to me was when Esther is getting the shock treatment. She had a very explicit description of the shock "with each flash a great jolt drubbed [her] till [she] thought [her] bones would break and the sap fly out of [her] like a split plant". But the line that stuck out to me the most was when Esther said, "I wondered what terrible thing it was that I had done". Esther views this shock treatment as a punishment.
ReplyDelete2. The outside world reminds me of the outside world in Girl, Interrupted. Their parents just shove those girls into the institution to cure them. Esther's mom does not see Esther or her emotional state. Esther's mom and Dr. Gordan see Esther as sick and depressed and crazy and needs to be healed. The outside world just seems shallow and can't truly see Esther's illness. Esther's mom just believes Esther will be cured immediately and everything will just go back to normal and this is just a minor set back. No one understands Esther and she's feeling more isolated than ever.
1) This reading was my favorite so far for a number of reasons. Reading this book feels like the initial climb of a roller coaster. You can't see where you're going or what you're about to embark on but you know it will amaze you. At this point in the book we are at the very top of the climb and can now see the steep drop of the tracks ahead. Where Esther only hinted at her obsessive characteristics, she now embraces, head-on, the depth to which she has fallen. She is done narrating her life and is now indulging in the mess that she is in. The most amazing part of this book is Esther's obliviousness to the power behind her actions. When she is debating cutting her wrists, she says "the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it" (147). Like John mentioned, the plain manner in which she speaks of doing such a life altering act makes her seem inhuman. This reading showed Esther's mind falling away from the human spirit.
ReplyDelete2) I dont think so. While Esther seems to be on the brink of insanity, she remains very introspective. She doesn't scream or yell or act like a typical crazy person. Only those who know her very well are exposed to the depth of Esther's illness. Dr. Gordon absolutely goes about treating Esther the wrong way, but I don't feel as if he ignores her issues. Esther is so dangerous because she refuses to be expressive. She keeps her thoughts from others and it eats her from the inside out. It is Esther's inability to express her pain that keeps those around her from helping her.
1. The moment that really stuck out to me was when she was in the graveyard, talking about her father. It’s the first time we get to see much of Esther’s home life or some indication of who her parents were/are and her relationship with them. It also struck me because it’s the first time that we see her expressing some kind of true and deep emotion. I also think that when she said “I laid my face to the smooth face of the marble and howled my loss into the cold salt rain (167)”, that it shows Esther has never been in the position where she’s been able to get out all of the thoughts and emotions that are pent up inside her and I think that because her mother was so okay about the death of her husband, that Esther didn’t find it necessary to emote.
ReplyDelete2. It does seem odd to me and I think if Esther didn’t fade into the background so easily that people would notice how off she is and would try to help her. The thing about Esther though is I don’t think she wants to be helped. I think she likes where her mind is going because no one that she knows has been in that position before so it is a way to fill the void of school and competition and its also something that no one can tell her what to do. There aren’t rules, there aren’t standards and I think she finds it kind of liberating to have her mind be so free and unattached to anything, but she doesn’t realize how dangerous that is too.
At first, before all of these attempted suicides, I really had trouble with this whole idea that Esther was actually sick. During class we talked about it as though it was a given, but besides her disconnect with the rest of the world and her struggle to find her place, I saw no actual sickness. I saw a problem not with her, but with the world around her, and I saw her as giving a commentary on the emptiness of it all. To me, she seemed so thoughtful and well-spoken in her thoughts that she almost appeared as a stable character. Now, I see that this attitude that she shows and this mindset and thoughtfulness she has throughout the entire book thus far completely adds to this truly sick character. She describes her suicide, as John says above, as something she has really thought about doing correctly and as something that is completely normal. In many ways, she justifies her suicide through her thoughts, describing it all as if it's nothing, almost as if it's the correct thing to do. She has done this throughout the entire book, for example with the crawling in between two mattresses. The one example from these past few chapters that sticks out to me is when she tries to drown herself by diving and keeps popping back up to the surface. She says that she had been defeated by the water, blaming the ocean and in many ways making the ocean the real problem in her eyes when she's the one attempting suicide. While I think her actions obviously show she is truly sick, it is her mindset, her attitude towards these actions that I think are what show the real problem and the real sickness. In many ways it's scary to me, and I think it's scary because she has no second thoughts. Her mind is so clear, there is no disputation or doubt or even confusion, and I feel like for something this serious there definitely should be some of this. She is so adamant and one-sided about this radical decision that one cannot help but come to the conclusion that there is definitely a mental issue here with Esther.
ReplyDeleteI do not think it's strange that there isn't any outside intervention. I think a major theme of this book is how Esther attempts to fit in on the outside, how she is a completely different person in order to please society. She does so quite effectively too I might add, and I think the only reason us as readers are so aware of her mental illness and her need for help from the outside world is because we are reading from the perspective of her mind itself. We are given the advantage of knowing Esther's thoughts, her reactions and her mindset, as I said earlier, and from this we are able to piece together much more of the story than anyone else in the book itself. All they can see is what Esther allows them to see, and that is not much but what is seen as acceptable by society. So in many ways, the outside world's incapability of seeing and solving or helping Esther's illness is justified, but this brings up the question of why does Esther cover up her illness and try to maintain a facade that is socially acceptable? This is where I think this ties into the book's commentary on the world's view of Esther and more importantly, what the world and what society expects her to be.
1. The last three chapters were very intense. Esther is gradually ending her life and the way we experience it with her is truly magical, in a dark and sinister way. The scene that disturbed me the most was probably the scene between Cal returning to land and her failed attempted to drown. Fists her attempt to hang herself is truly disturbing. To top it all off she tries to drown herself the same day. Aside from the fact that she attempted suicide and she was frustrated that she “knew when I [Esther] was beaten” (161), a rather disturbing detail is how aware she is of her condition. It is terrifying to see how she understands what is going on with her yet she does not seek out help.
ReplyDelete2. I think that everybody is at fault here. It is clear that Esther has an understanding of what is going on with her and seeks nobody’s help but other are not trying to help her. True she went to see Dr. Gordon yet he was almost useless. I still do not comprehend the point of using shock therapy and, apparently, that was enough. The fact that Esther’s mom told her that “the cure for thinking too much about yourself was helping somebody who was worse off” (161) made me mad because I think that Esther needs to think about herself more selfishly and appreciate who she is. To me this tells me that everybody expects Esther to shake this out of her system as it were ‘a phase she is going through’. It looks as the only thing that matter is that she looks well enough even if it she is not well in the inside. At the end, it is about appearances.
I had the weirdest feeling while reading these three chapters, because of the nonchalance with which Esther spirals out of control (in her thinking) and because of the fact that no one notices that she has become really disturbed…I keep wondering why Esther’s mom hasn’t taken some days off to try and spend time with her daughter and talk to her. The moment which stuck with me the most was, “Lately I had considered going into the Catholic Church myself. I knew that Catholics thought killing yourself was an awful sin. But perhaps, if this was so, they might have a good way to persuade me out of it.” (164) This moment is different, because it is a clear moment in which we see that Esther would like for someone to try and persuade her not to go through with her suicide attempt. Previous to this, we do see that she has a hard time reaching out and that she needs for people to come to her and call her, but she never expresses a wish for help from others.
ReplyDeleteI do find it strange that she receives so little attention from people around her, and like I said above it’s surprising to me that her mother hasn’t made more of a point to spend time with Esther. I think the fact that Esther’s mom doesn’t want to believe that her daughter is mentally ill definitely fits into the commentary of society in the book. It shows that in this society like the one Susanna lived in, being “abnormal” wasn’t accepted and if there was a possibility of it, it was ignored because maybe then it would just disappear.
1. This chapter, as most everyone has said, really demonstrates the depth of Esther’s illness. This is the first time we, as a reader, have really been confronted directly with her sickness. The scenes that stuck out to me basically consisted of the entire reading, but there were two that certainly demanded attention above the rest. The first is Esther’s attempted suicide-by-drowning, and the paragraphs leading up to it. Esther seems to have grown extremely emotionally detached; she views her own death attempts as a whimsical curiosity. She tells the reader, “that morning I had tried to hang myself,” as if it’s simply a fact one mentions in passing. Then, when she’s on the beach, she decides to give it another go. The other was the shock-therapy session with Dr. Gordon, which, directly before, we see exactly what is causing such depression in her, as she says, “I could see day after day glaring ahead of me like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue.
ReplyDelete2. Those that surround Esther are in denial about her continuing condition, for how could the perfect, straight-A student fall into such a state that is reviled by society in general? This is shown perfectly when Esther announces she will not be seeing Dr. Gordon again, and her mother is relieved; relieved not due to the fact that her daughter is better, but relieved at the knowledge that her daughter is back to the society-defined norm that she had once been.
These chapters represented to me an inevitability, in terms of Esther's condition. The more I read, however, the less her illness makes sense to me. She appears to have departed from her rational self, and all of the small little ticks and inconsistencies in her personality now rule her actions. She seems desperate to find a way to commit suicide, even soliciting the opinion of Cal out on the beach. It is as though she will stop at nothing to end what she characterizes as her misery, even though she knows exactly what she is insecure about and cannot push herself to tell anyone about it. One of the lines in the reading that stood out to me in particular was when she describes trying to hang herself and notices that her body has clever ways to stop her at the last minute, as if she is suprised to learn that it is not instinctual to commit suicide.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons that nobody did anything to prevent Esther from committing suicide is because they didn't know. Up until her illness, which only he mother and a select few knew about, she appeared to be a paragon of sanity outwardly, succeeding in school most of the time and living the life of a young up-and-comer in the fashion industry. If she was able to fool Mr Manzi into believing she actually cared about chemistry, she could have applied those same skills into decieving everyone around her about how depressed and, in fact, suicidal she really was.
1. There were a very interesting three chapters. Up until this point, it seemed like Esther still held a mostly rational thought process, with some little habits or thought just putting her slightly out of place. Now, it’s almost as if she’s a different person. She is unable to sleep, doesn’t care about her hygiene (I guess keeping up with it palls in comparison to not be sleep), and is constantly thinking about suicide. That is the thing that stuck out to me the most. She is always thinking about it, how to do it, and even analyzing her body’s reactions to it.
ReplyDelete2. I definitely think that other’s reactions fit into the commentary. As we were saying in class earlier, Esther seems like the perfect student, the perfect daughter. Pure, smart, gets straight-A’s, and not needy. But on the inside, she is always thinking and considering suicide. Everyone sees her as perfect, and she is far from it. I think that part of it is refusing to accept Esther’s illness. We see her mother getting over herself when having to talk to the doctor. Another part is that they just may not have been able to see it, partially because of denial. We see Esther’s friend Jody stay kind of oblivious, and we all know that Esther has been kind of quiet and keeping to herself, and so it would be easy for others not to know what was going on with her.
1. The last three chapters we read were really intense. She is just so dark, and intent on ending her life its scary. Comparing the person we saw in chapter 1, a bright, smart, girl who wins a lot of scholarships, to the person we see in chapters 11-13, a dark, unhappy, depressed, slightly insane girl, the change is so vastly, intensely different. Her descent into madness is so fast that its almost hard to comprehend. Just a few chapters ago she was wondering about her virginity and now she's trying to kill herself. I just can't get over how fast she changes. Its unnatural. The part that really stuck with me is the part where she and Cal take a swim. She is so determined to reach the rock while Cal just gives up. Then she attempts to drown herself, which is so weird in itself. Her whole reason to reach the rock was to tire herself out enough to drown I think, but that whole scene was just kind of weird.
ReplyDelete2. I don't think it is very weird that nobody tries to help her, because nobody really knows. Esther tries so hard to keep up the appearance of a normal girl that it would really hard for the people in her life to even notice that something was wrong. Especially because she's not really that close to anybody. To everyone else she still looks like this young, bright schoolgirl even though we know she is more like what I described in part one. That's another weird thing about Esther's insanity. Similar to Susanna, it is not the stereotypical insanity. She is completely aware of her surroundings and the people around, which is why she is able to keep up the good girl act. I think that people will soon start to notice though as she slips more and more. I think it fits perfectly into the theme for all the reasons stated above.
1. These chapters were overwhelming. I felt like I was reading a different book. Esther was all of a sudden not herself. She was dark, depressing to read, you could tell she was very unhappy. I know we are not supposed to repeat, but I was amazed at how quickly she became a new person. Then near the end when she tries to drown herself it was so out of character. Water seemed to be the thing that comforted her, here it is the thing that could kill her. I thought it was interesting and adds another level of depth to the book but it was also scary.
ReplyDelete2. I think it is sad that no one helps her, or steps in and says we can help you, but I am not surprised. Our world, even now looks down upon those who are troubled or different. I also think it is harder for people to help when they do not know what is causing this illness or how they can help. Most of the time they can pinpoint a problem and attack the reason, but Esther is very secretive, and even reading the book, which is written from inside her head, I am having trouble figuring out where her problem stems from. So no I am not surprised there is not and intervention or someone there trying to help, but I am disappointed because I think this happens still, even in out world.
Reading the thoughts of this girl who has lost it is frightening. She has lost all control over her thoughts and actions. All of her boundaries have been taken down. I guess it's the fact that she didnt get in to the writing program that sent her spiraling downward. She isnt grounded at all and it shows when she keeps chinging her mind about what to do. She has no idea who she is or what she wants.
ReplyDeleteNObody knows whats going on. The inner workings of her mind are completely hidden from anyone else so it's difficult for them to empathize or even try to help. Mental illness even to this day is something people dont really understand. Consciousness is a mystery and there is no concreteness for people to be able to rationalize and fix. Esther tries so hard to not appear off, she just wants a normal life but its eating her on the inside.
1. I would say that the entire lead up to her suicide attempt was the scene that stuck with me the most. As John said, her clear-headedness has a really chilling effect on the reader. Hearing her thoughts in a way that makes them sound like they are completely normal, as they are to her, is like a small glimpse of what being crazy is like in a way. It is also an interesting way to get us to sympathize with her. We hear her thoughts and have to decide if she's crazy or not, but it is actually the same internal battle that Esther is fighting.
ReplyDelete2. I think we come back to the idea that Esther is absolutely great at lying and hiding her illness from others. How are the people around her supposed to help her if she never tells them something is wrong until its too late? Her complete lack of emotional connections with other people is also a factor. I also like the line where she knows she's going insane, but just goes with it. I think that it highlights how intelligent she is.
1. Sylvia really hits us over the head with Esther's sickness. The use of death related words has grown exponentially, and Esther's habits have lost all of their opacity. What I think is funny is how, as we've said before, it seems that not many people actually notice how strange she has become. She is a habitual liar and she no longer trusts other people.
ReplyDelete2. As I've said, I find it strange that so far no one has really taken much notice in Esther. Even though she has been in extremely weird ways, most people seem to simply write off her. This is really sad, because you can tell that in actuality she wants to be found out. She wants someone to realize how upset she is, but no one notices.
1) I think in these last 3 chapters I really get a sense of ambivalence from Esther that throws me off quite a bit. She’s constantly thinking about death but now more so suicide. She attempts it and talks about it in such a non-violent or dramatic way. In comparison to the last blog where you asked us to write about how it would feel to take a course in which we had to pretend to enjoy it when we hated it 100% and we still got an A overall, I believe this is Esther’s life theme. It’s like she is constantly having to pretend that she enjoys anything at all. She does all the right things, but never actually says how much she enjoys living. What stuck out to me the most was the moment when she goes to Doctor Gordon to get electric shock therapy. When she sits in the chair and lets Doctor Gordon adjust the metal plate on her she thinks, “I wonder what terrible thing it was that I had done.” It is so sad to think that she thinks she did something to deserve this. The book started with her talking about the Rosenburgs and how she wished she never went through what they did. It’s like she really does not give herself enough credit for all her hard work. She doesn’t feel the compensation of her efforts.
ReplyDelete2)For a second I want to say that it surprised me but it wasn’t until recently that she started signs as a call for help. For maybe her whole lifetime or whenever she started feeling like this she always pretended to be fine and she did a perfect job at it. Therefore people were not wondering whether she was okay with her chemistry class for example. Why would they question her if she did very well and went and took the class because she simply “loved learning about it”? I guess if she’s known as the smarty pants that has and gets everything she strives for, then no one is going to wonder if she’s okay. She puts on the front that she’s on top of everything and people do not have access to her real thoughts on life. What does strike me though is her mother’s neglect for her feelings. When she says she hasn’t slept for days or when she doesn’t wash her hair and clothes for a while. A mother’s love is supposed to be eternal and unconditional, or so I’ve read, heard and experienced...But this woman really reminds me of Susana Kaysen’s mom. In a way, her mother seems annoyed with her for being the way she is.